Remembering What It's All About

If you've been watching the Sonata Equestrian Facebook Page, you know that I was at the Riders Unlimited 9th Annual Challenged Equestrian Horse Show on Saturday.  If you don't know about Riders Unlimited, Inc., it is a non-profit equestrian program in Oak Harbor, Ohio that focuses on therapeutic horseback riding and equine-assisted activities for disabled adults and children, as well as riding lessons for the "abled."  I've volunteered with Riders Unlimited for a number of years, and I urge everyone to at least have a look at their website, "Like" them on their Facebook Page, or attend an event, if not volunteer yourself.
I saw some amazing things.  I saw children and adults with balance issues riding horses in an excellent seated trot.  I saw a girl take on her instructors in competition and hold her own in the show ring.  I saw a team work together to keep everything running smoothly and on time, despite all the opportunity for chaos.  I saw a real competition, with real winners, and real sportsmanship for a group of people who'd always been left out and underrated in the past.  More than that, I saw a collection of horsemen who knew what it was all about-- having fun with an equine partner and other riders.  More than that, they taught me a thing or two about how I should ride; where I should be in my mind and how I should keep my outlook and focus.
I never expected the chance to try it out so soon; at one point, I was asked by the Program Director to school one of the horses during a break.  Manny had been a little fidgety in the morning part of the show and just needed the chance to move around and think about something other than waiting in line.  As I was preparing to mount, one of the clients paid me a valuable compliment: "Wow, you look so professional!"  -- I guess she didn't realize how much I was in awe of her for all the things she is.  I was touched by her kind words, and now a little bit nervous that maybe some of the folks who I admire will be now watching me.
Luckily, I was able to keep it together,  and Manny was such a good boy I hadn't a care in the world.  It was just like it was supposed to be: just the two of us, out there working together, talking to one another and enjoying each other's company.  There were eyes upon us, but none of them scrutinizing or secretly waiting for our failure; just love, appreciation, respect, and eagerness to learn--- all the things that belong on the rail of a horse show, at any level.
This was a chance to remember what it's all about, from the people who never, ever forget.  Those who truly appreciate the thrill of victory with grace, and who are so very brave in their attempts.
A Riders Unlimited, Inc. client participating in an Equitation class.  He is in full control of his mount; the person on the lead rope is there for precaution only. The side walker is also there in case of an emergency; safety is always the first priority.

Just when I thought I was out... They pull me back in.

If you read my last blog post, you already know that I've been pretty frustrated lately with my riding, my body, and my effort.  I haven't been riding horribly.  It's not like I'm a disaster at all times-- I just haven't been happy with it.  It hasn't been perfect.  I've wanted it to be perfect for so long, and now it's starting to sabotage me.  Same goes for my body-- it's still not as flexible as I want, or as strong, or as able to endure long periods of exercise as I'd like.  I just want that to be perfect, too.

It's times like these, when I'm in the saddle and I get frustrated, that I start to attack myself in my head.  I start to think to myself vicious things like, "Why are you even doing this?!"  "You're doing it all wrong!"  "You're just not made for this kind of thing!"  Then I make up for it by trying too hard, making it even harder on myself and my horse.

Last week in my lesson, I'd just about given up.  I was trying so hard, my muscles were screaming, but I felt like I wasn't improving anything.  Add to that, my aids weren't so coordinated as my thoughts were on my body, and Tubby was just as confused as I was (sweet, sweet Tubby.  I love him so!).  So there I was, a basket case, on a large moving animal who was becoming a poor basket case from his rider.  We were a mess (not literally a mess, but not this vision of perfection I'd set myself on).  It was all my fault.

So I thought to myself, "This isn't right.  I need to take a break from this and get it together, so that neither of us ends up hurt, emotionally or physically."  I asked my trainer for a week off, scheduling for two weeks away.  I felt slightly better about making a good decision, but there was a part of me that was just crushed-- no lesson for TWO WHOLE WEEKS?!  I went home with the intention of sulking for a while, beating myself up a bit for not having my head in the game like I should, feeling awful for letting Tubby down by riding beneath his level, and then finally rebuilding myself into a capable rider with perfect equitation for next time.

I went home, and decided that I'd feel much better if I got myself into better shape, so I did my best to start pushing harder in my fitness routine.  I set all kinds of unrealistic goals and made myself all kinds of fantastical promises.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was setting myself up for complete failure.

BUT.  One evening while I was scrutinizing photos of riders on Facebook, I came across an amazing entry on the Manolo Mendez Dressage Facebook Page that asked me the hard question: "What behaviors do you bring into the arena and into life that sabotage you time and time again?"  I went on to read the entry of Bunny Battaglene, who wrote:

"One of the big things I have learnt from watching Manolo is that with young or troubled horses, he just ignores the wrong behaviors and focus's on the good.  Watching him work made me realize I'm far too much of a control freak.  Asking too much, expecting too much and reacting to all the wrong things in the wrong ways.  It does somewhat take all the fun out of it to be honest.  To be struggling, pushing, trying to keep control.  It's really all the characteristics of a crazy person not a teacher so I have been giving some serious thought to this crazy need for control and working to be calmer.  To be more giving and forgiving."  

It was like a message straight from the Horse Deity's (if there is one) hand.  "Be more giving and forgiving."  "Do Unto Tubby As Tubby Does Unto You."  I sat back and marveled.  I was touched, and more than a little ashamed.  For days, I thought about what I'd read.  I put it to work within my daily life-- it was undoubtedly true.

Yesterday, I could no longer take it-- I needed another lesson in a week so that I could try out my new lease on life and riding.  That's scheduled for Wednesday.  I'm really looking forward to an unperfect lesson with my equine buddy.  I can't wait to try less hard than I have been, and to listen more to what he has to teach me.

Tubby says, "You have to learn to relax, like me.  Chill out.  I'm not lazy, I'm chill.  You gotta embrace the chill."

Life Takes a Roller Coaster Ride

As I promised on the Sonata Equestrian Facebook Page, here is my update after a terribly long break!  As you can guess from the title of this post, "Life Takes a Roller Coaster Ride."  I've had a lot of ups and downs lately but things are finally starting to even back out.  Since my last update, I've started working with a new trainer named Lindsey so that Jessica can go back to school and follow her dreams.  I've had four or five lessons with Lindsey now and everything is going well there--- as long as I keep my "try-er" in working order.  That's a recent development.  Outside of lessons, I've started a new job and have been keeping extremely busy, which means I've started slacking off big-time on all of my reading and also my riding with Thunder.  Like I said, there have been definite ups and downs.

Lessons with Lindsey have been going pretty good.  I miss Jessica, but I'm glad to still be in good hands as far as trainers go.  When I last updated, Jessica had me jumping small courses with Tubby, working on my seat, leg position, and coordinating my aids.  Lindsey has made sure to keep up with this line of study, adding in a few new flatwork patterns to help me coordinate my aids, some dressage steps, course jumping, and (of course!) no-stirrup work.

My leg position has really been coming along, however, my heels are still not as down as they ought to be.  They also pop up and "poke" my horse for an upward transition rather than staying down and letting my lower leg squeeze him forward.  I'm still getting tired much too quickly and am maladapting to make it easier.  It's frustrating.  I'm also still losing a stirrup on a regular basis, or otherwise allowing it to slide back too far home on my boot.  That's also frustrating, although I'm getting better at keeping my balance and leg position as my toes fish around for my stupid stirrup.  Ugh.

My aids seem to be coming together a little better and I'm having an easier time steering and maintaining a pace, although it is still much too easy to squeeze the bit too tightly or to pull back on the reins too much and get an unexpected halt.  The leg:hand ratio is still a work in progress.  This is exceptionally evident if I'm riding Rio, AKA Mr. Sensitive, AKA If-You're-Going-To-Ride-Me-You're-Going-To-Do-It-Right-Or-I'll-Make-You-Look-Like-A-Fool.  That said, Rio is a wonderful horse who always does exactly what I ask for-- I hope you see my problem here.

Hi, I'm Rio, and I'm very awesome-- everyone loves me.  I expect excellence, however, and will do exactly what you tell me-- even if it makes you look like a dummy (you might say especially then).  Haha!

These little troubles have recently been compounded by my lack of "try."  That's almost painful to write; I've always wanted to be the type of rider who works tirelessly and gives it all she's got.  In my last two lessons, I really can't say that I have "given it all I've got."  It would seem that my "try-er" has been out for repair.  I can think of a long list of reasons why I haven't been trying so hard-- I'm so tired from all the extra work I've been doing, I've got a lot on my plate right now, I've been experiencing a lot of inflammation in my leg joints, I haven't been sleeping well, I've been too busy to practice, the weather has been too darn hot the last two lessons...  The list could go on and on.  I can argue that some of these reasons are pretty convincing, but the biggest thing that they all have in common is that they are all EXCUSES.  There, I said it.  That's how it is, if you really want to get to the bottom of it.  And frankly, the same goes for why I haven't written a blog post more recently, too.

I guess that's what I'd call the "downs" of life recently: list of excuses, and then being frustrated with my list of excuses.  Such a nasty cycle, but at least I'm not without my "ups."

The top of the "up" list has got to be a conversation I had with my trainer a few lessons ago, after I'd had a great time trotting over a five-jump course and working through some dressage exercises: she mentioned to me about showing some time this winter--- wouldn't I LOVE to do that?!?!  I'm getting excited just thinking of it.  I shouldn't be surprised since I'd had conversations about horse shows with Jessica, too, but it just seemed so much more real during this conversation.  I'm assuming that it only feels different now because it had always seemed much further away in previous discussions (I know.  Give something a few months, and it's suddenly sooner than you thought).

I've also been feeling a lot more like a "real" rider lately (excuse-filled lessons aside, obviously).  I can feel myself becoming more confident and I'm starting to retain more knowledge from my books (when I get to read them) and experiences.  I'm starting to develop a more scrutinizing eye as I watch others ride, and try my best to teach myself from their examples.  It feels good to feel like I know what I'm doing, even if I can't fully physically execute all of these things just yet.  This is a definite "up!"

Other "ups" abound, but are more to do with things outside of my lessons, such as my career moves and personal life.  It's been crazy and busy, but it has also been much more wonderful than miserable.  As things start to become more routine again, I've been finding more opportunities than excuses.  That's the biggest "up" of all.

Hi, I'm Tubby.  I love to eat and to tote around girls who love and spoil me.  If you spoil me enough, I'll do just about anything for you.  But--I'll still embarrass you by taking a good roll after a bath if I feel like it.  :)