Just when I thought I was out... They pull me back in.

If you read my last blog post, you already know that I've been pretty frustrated lately with my riding, my body, and my effort.  I haven't been riding horribly.  It's not like I'm a disaster at all times-- I just haven't been happy with it.  It hasn't been perfect.  I've wanted it to be perfect for so long, and now it's starting to sabotage me.  Same goes for my body-- it's still not as flexible as I want, or as strong, or as able to endure long periods of exercise as I'd like.  I just want that to be perfect, too.

It's times like these, when I'm in the saddle and I get frustrated, that I start to attack myself in my head.  I start to think to myself vicious things like, "Why are you even doing this?!"  "You're doing it all wrong!"  "You're just not made for this kind of thing!"  Then I make up for it by trying too hard, making it even harder on myself and my horse.

Last week in my lesson, I'd just about given up.  I was trying so hard, my muscles were screaming, but I felt like I wasn't improving anything.  Add to that, my aids weren't so coordinated as my thoughts were on my body, and Tubby was just as confused as I was (sweet, sweet Tubby.  I love him so!).  So there I was, a basket case, on a large moving animal who was becoming a poor basket case from his rider.  We were a mess (not literally a mess, but not this vision of perfection I'd set myself on).  It was all my fault.

So I thought to myself, "This isn't right.  I need to take a break from this and get it together, so that neither of us ends up hurt, emotionally or physically."  I asked my trainer for a week off, scheduling for two weeks away.  I felt slightly better about making a good decision, but there was a part of me that was just crushed-- no lesson for TWO WHOLE WEEKS?!  I went home with the intention of sulking for a while, beating myself up a bit for not having my head in the game like I should, feeling awful for letting Tubby down by riding beneath his level, and then finally rebuilding myself into a capable rider with perfect equitation for next time.

I went home, and decided that I'd feel much better if I got myself into better shape, so I did my best to start pushing harder in my fitness routine.  I set all kinds of unrealistic goals and made myself all kinds of fantastical promises.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was setting myself up for complete failure.

BUT.  One evening while I was scrutinizing photos of riders on Facebook, I came across an amazing entry on the Manolo Mendez Dressage Facebook Page that asked me the hard question: "What behaviors do you bring into the arena and into life that sabotage you time and time again?"  I went on to read the entry of Bunny Battaglene, who wrote:

"One of the big things I have learnt from watching Manolo is that with young or troubled horses, he just ignores the wrong behaviors and focus's on the good.  Watching him work made me realize I'm far too much of a control freak.  Asking too much, expecting too much and reacting to all the wrong things in the wrong ways.  It does somewhat take all the fun out of it to be honest.  To be struggling, pushing, trying to keep control.  It's really all the characteristics of a crazy person not a teacher so I have been giving some serious thought to this crazy need for control and working to be calmer.  To be more giving and forgiving."  

It was like a message straight from the Horse Deity's (if there is one) hand.  "Be more giving and forgiving."  "Do Unto Tubby As Tubby Does Unto You."  I sat back and marveled.  I was touched, and more than a little ashamed.  For days, I thought about what I'd read.  I put it to work within my daily life-- it was undoubtedly true.

Yesterday, I could no longer take it-- I needed another lesson in a week so that I could try out my new lease on life and riding.  That's scheduled for Wednesday.  I'm really looking forward to an unperfect lesson with my equine buddy.  I can't wait to try less hard than I have been, and to listen more to what he has to teach me.

Tubby says, "You have to learn to relax, like me.  Chill out.  I'm not lazy, I'm chill.  You gotta embrace the chill."